Tu calor

Te siento todavía. Tus brazos nunca me soltaron. Siento tu olor, tu pelo oscuro en mi cara, mi nariz pegada a tu hombro. Me preguntás qué me pasa, te digo nada, me sostenés más fuerte, y respiro hondo. Una lágrima en tu remera. Dos. Tres. Hace dos lágrimas que me soltaste, pero sigo entre tus brazos. Puedo, si quiero, levantar la cabeza y rozar mi mejilla contra la tuya, y sentir dos días sin afeitar. Tu calor. Una mano la tenés sobre mi cintura, la otra más arriba en la espalda. Me tenés más fuerte, más fuerte, más fuerte, ya no respiro. Tu olor ya es mi olor, tu latido, el mío. Tu calor. Sollozo, te mojo el pelo. Mi mano con tu cuello.

Un minuto. Dos. Tres. Hace dos meses que me soltaste, pero sigo entre tus brazos. Hace dos meses se quedó todo conmigo. Tu remera gris, tus manos acariciándome, tu piel con su olor, la presión de tus brazos en mi espalda, tu pecho, subiendo y bajando lentamente. El abrazo terminó hace dos meses, pero sólo lo sé porque desde hace dos meses que hace mucho frío.

The march of progress continues

Well, a fair amount of hime has passed since last post. A fair amount of things happened. I got drunk, you got high, you took my hand and led me to a doom, closed the door and started undressing me without turning on the light. I said "Wait, no. I'm not your girlfriend."

You said "Oh right... but I'm not gonna fuck you!"

"I know, but still..." I soon stopped pretending I didn't want you, and gave myself to you. This was a friday, about a month ago. That next Monday you thought I was gonna claim my dignity and tell you you were a jerk, but I talked about something else instead. I told you I didn't care about that night, but that you'd really hurt me since you'd left me, pretending nothing had ever happened and making me think I was invisible. You told me that you'd really felt what you'd said, but had just stopped feeling it. I told you that wasn't my point, without specifying whether I believed you or not. I said I felt like I hadn't mean anything to you.

"Ana, you did mean something to me, you meant-"

"I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear. I - I just wanted to tell you that."

And I left you there and walked to the classroom, just like you did two months ago. We haven't spoken since.

I claimed to be over you after that night. I said it was what I needed to forget you, and it was true, mostly: I stopped feeling empty, and I almost haven't cried for you since. Another feeling replaced the emptyness: numbness. An ugly numbness. I convinced myself that nothing had ever meant anything, that you'd never loved me. That way, I knew I'd been stupid, but I stopped torturing myself.

A few days after my speach, Aye told me that you'd asked her to find out whether I was over you. I wasn't really sure, so I skillfully skipped to another subject without answering. I guessed you were just trying to make a point in telling me you did care. Yeah right, yeah right.

You went to a couple of parties I wasn't able to go to, and you didn't make out with anybody (you could of, easily). At Vinchu's, a week ago, Lara sat on top of you, stretched her legs on the sofa, and you started whispering in the corner. You were fidgeting with her stockings, and tore them a bit. Juli looked at me meaningfully, and I looked at her back, like saying "I know, I've been looking." I don't know if it was because of you're good nature, or Vinchu's tact (he interrumpted you two and said something, and you stopped flirting), but you didn't make out. I cried in the car that night anyway.

Last weekend was extra long (4 days), and I dreaded going back to school. I spent most of the time with Marina, and I was so happy.

On Wednesday we went back to school, and it really wasn't that bad. I casually said hi to a friend from the afternoon shift, and Nacho GG asked me if he was the guy you were jealous of, the gayish guy. I couldn't believe my ears. It wasn't him, it was Fer he was talking about. I laughed out loud, I couldn't believe you'd been reading my Facebook wall (you saw a few messages he'd left me) and I could not believe you were actually jealous. Or kinda. Whatever. It made my day, but I pretended not to care.

On Thursday Juli asked me what Nacho GG had said. I asked her how she knew, and she said you'd told her, and that you'd gotten really pissed at GG when he found out, that you didn't want me to think you were jealous in the "wanting me back" kind of way. I said I knew that, I'd never take GG seriously. Juli told me she thought you still loved me, but that you claimed to be over me. Over me? You'd left me! It made no sense, I told her. She agreed. I've learned to not pay attention to Juli's specilations about you wanting me back, they're just never right. Anyhow, I loved her for saying that, even if I asked her not to, because she was confusing me. She and MC told me you didn't want me to dye my hair. I dyed it anyway, today, from blond to darkish brown.

Today Lara was all over you again. On the subway, Juli told me matter-of-factly that she was totally hot for you. I agreed. She said that she'd thought you were hot for her too, but you'd denied it.

"You could of been lying" I thought.

Meanwhile, I've been feeling like crap because of our group of friends. Well, your. I'm only there because I'm friends with the ones from my class, but I'm honestly incapable of sotializing with a large group of mostly guys, who are cracking whitty jokes every minute, I just stay silent. And Juli and MC are best friends now, so I'm excluded, and the other group of girls is just boring, so I don't know where to go when I'm left out. I have Marina, and I have Fer, but neither are there during the day.

Fuck, if I could just know what you've been thinking... all I know is that you de-friended me from Facebook.